when i find myself around someone i like or have a strong attraction to i cripple down into this strange little girl mode. i find myself choking back certain things that i really want to say for fear of making things awkward if the feelings aren’t reciprocated back. i sometimes get quiet but consciously make myself smile to keep it light and deflect the intensity of the shyness i’m feeling. because of this, i’m sure i come off as a little blank and maybe reserved…maybe a little lifeless too haha oh dear lord, im a mess sometimes. if only i could read minds and know if i’m foolish to be swooning over something that has no potential of blossoming or…if i have all the right in the world to because the feeling is indeed a mutual attraction. its like id rather leave the waters dormant and paddle through it calmly rather making it all choppy and impossible to undo. but truly, i just wanna learn how to curb this damn behavior. sure somethings are best left unsaid in certain circumstances…but in the same light seems like i’m leaving myself behind in the process. i’m a shy f*ck around you if i dig you…sooner or later i’ll learn not to bring the ice.
whenever i get excited about something i almost never want to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. i feel like if i talk about it in the midst of it happening, it won’t happen…instead i should talk about/ announce it once it has already come to pass. its foolish right? and a bit superstitious. well, i do think its true that when you talk about things as if they are already accomplished you’re projecting a false self told prophecy. but i believe your mind is more powerful than that…if an idea dies because you told someone about it midway through its conception then the baby wasn’t meant to live all along. a strong will is what keeps the bun cooking.
that being said im excited to announce that i’m reading again. I’m reading non fiction on ideas and philosophies centered around clearer thought, mental action/manifestation, and inner organization. im humble enough to admit that i must be a student in my soul searching before a master on my life’s path. my mentors are revealing themselves to me now, in forms of books and teachers themselves. it’s a upward retraining of discipline, and an unlearning of self guilt and doubt.
here’s to the journey, from the beginning onward.
not leaving here anytime soon
it eventually made sense, running through the thicket of mind. i’m here in this rain forest of sorts…i see above me these thick prosperous canopies. the sun light is peering in, clear beams of hollowed white yellow light. yet i’m here running playfully and alone…unafraid…this is a life force. i’ve been here for a while now but before i was questioning why rather than seeing the sanctum before me. the sounds are rich, water and moisture so nourishing here. i couldn’t of reached here— seen this—-unless i was alone. i’ve conditioned myself to breath the air of others rather seeing my own breath before me. it’s cool it’s crisp…it is me. the canopies are like intertwined fingers exuding protection. I’m ready to stay here for a while…this is home. self awareness and understanding is the mission. libra scales ringing in the distance like Buddhist gongs…this is midheaven.